How Attachment Trauma Affects Adult Relationships (And What to Do About It)
- Lethicia Foadjo
- Aug 20
- 3 min read
If you’ve ever wondered why you pull away from closeness—or cling too tightly—you’re not alone. Many adults struggle with intimacy, emotional safety, and connection due to attachment trauma. The roots of these patterns often lie in early life experiences—and the good news is, healing is possible.
At LK Psychotherapy, we support individuals and couples navigating the lasting effects of trauma, including how it shapes relationships. In this blog, we’ll explore what attachment trauma is, how it manifests in adult relationships, and what steps you can take toward healing.
🌱 What Is Attachment Trauma?
Attachment trauma occurs when a child’s primary caregiver is unable to provide consistent emotional safety, attunement, or protection. This may be the result of:
Neglect
Emotional or physical abuse
Caregiver substance use or mental illness
Abandonment (intentional or unintentional)
Chronic inconsistency, chaos, or fear in the home
Children are wired for connection. When this connection is compromised, it leaves behind a deep imprint—one that often resurfaces in adult relationships.
❤️🩹 How Attachment Trauma Shows Up in Adult Relationships
Adults with unhealed attachment wounds may experience:
🔁 Repeating Unhealthy Patterns
Attracting emotionally unavailable or controlling partners
Staying in relationships that feel unsafe or unstable
Re-enacting childhood roles (e.g., fixer, pleaser, avoider)
🧠 Nervous System Reactivity
Emotional flashbacks triggered by minor conflict
Hypervigilance or shutdown during intimacy
Fear of abandonment or engulfment
💬 Communication Difficulties
Difficulty expressing needs or setting boundaries
Going silent or explosive when overwhelmed
Mistrusting partner intentions—even when they’re safe
These patterns are not character flaws—they are adaptive survival strategies developed in childhood.
💡 The Attachment Styles Framework
Attachment theory, developed by Bowlby and Ainsworth, outlines four adult attachment styles:
Secure – Trusts others, feels safe in closeness and autonomy.
Anxious – Seeks reassurance, fears rejection, struggles with insecurity.
Avoidant – Values independence, avoids vulnerability, emotionally distant.
Disorganized – A mix of anxious and avoidant, often linked to trauma.
Understanding your attachment style can be the first step toward compassionate self-awareness.
🔄 Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes. Attachment is not fixed. Through intentional self-work and supportive relationships, your nervous system can learn to feel safe in connection again.
Here’s how:
✅ 1. Begin with Self-Compassion
Shame often keeps us stuck in old patterns. Healing begins when we stop blaming ourselves and start asking:🧠 “What is this pattern protecting me from?”
Practice validating your fears without judgment. They were born in survival.
✅ 2. Work with a Trauma-Informed Therapist
Therapists trained in attachment theory and trauma can help you:
Identify old relational wounds
Regulate your nervous system
Build secure, embodied connection patterns
At LK Psychotherapy, we offer individual therapy and couples counselling rooted in attachment healing.
✅ 3. Build Emotional Safety in Real Time
Healing happens in the present—through safe, consistent relationships. Start small:
Practice vulnerability with trusted people
Notice when your inner child is activated
Learn to pause before reacting
Tools like somatic therapy, EMDR, and mindfulness practices can support nervous system regulation.
✅ 4. Learn & Set Boundaries
Attachment trauma often blurs boundaries. A secure connection includes saying no without guilt, and respecting the needs of self and others.
Work with your therapist to practice:
Saying what you need
Holding space for differences
Recognizing your limits
🧭 You Are Not Broken—You’re Wired for Connection
Unhealed trauma can convince you that love is unsafe, or that you’re too much or not enough. That is not the truth.
You are worthy of relationships that feel secure, nourishing, and mutual.
📌 Support at LK Psychotherapy
Whether you’re working through a difficult breakup, deepening intimacy, or rebuilding after trauma, our team is here to support you. We offer:
Trauma-informed individual counselling
Attachment-based couples therapy
Workshops and support groups for relationship healing
🧠 Further Reading & Trusted Resources
Attached by Amir Levine & Rachel Heller
The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk
Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin
💬 Ready to Heal Your Attachment Wounds?
Explore our therapy options or book a free 15-minute consultation today:
📍 Serving Belleville, Ontario & virtual clients across Ontario & Alberta
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